The study of human relationships and the ways in which our experiences shape these relationships is beneficial for both healing and creating new connections.Psychologist John Bowlby introduces the attachment theory, and the four different attachment styles. His "Strange Situation" experiment explains these different attachment styles.
This experiment was designed to observe how infants react when they are separated from their parent for a short period of time, then reunited. In this experiment, the infant and their parent are in a room together (with toys and furniture) for a few minutes, before the parent leaves. In the first separation, the parent leaves the room, leaving the infant with a stranger. After a few minutes, they return and comfort the infant, while the stranger leaves. In the second separation, the parent leaves the infant alone in the room for a few minutes, then returns and comforts the infant again, this time with the stranger. The stranger also tries to interact with the toddler while their parent is there. Finally, in the last separation , the parent leaves the infant alone with the stranger, then comes back and comforts the infant while the stranger leaves.
Based on the infants behavior in this experiment, Bowlby classified the attachment styles in four different categories : Secure attachment, Anxious attachment, Dismissive-avoidant, and fearful avoidant.
These childhood attachments are incredibly important as they form the foundation for how we perceive and engage in relationships throughout our lives.
As infants, it's the first time we are learning to trust others and rely on them for our emotional needs; which is why these experiences at a young age can shape our expectations of ourselves and others, impacting how we manage our emotions and interact with others. Personally, learning my own attachment style and healing methods for that attachment has been highly beneficial to my relationships and friendships. Now let’s delve into each attachment style, their mental process, examples in a relationship, and how to heal.
Attachment Styles :
Secure Attachment
Maintaining a secure attachment style doesn't mean that you are perfect or do not have relationship problems. However, you are likely confident enough to accept responsibility for your own mistakes, and you seek assistance and support when necessary.
Mental Process:
People with secure attachment believe that they deserve to be loved and cared for. They trust their caregivers to always be there for them, which makes them feel safe and confident in their relationships. For example, imagine you’re a child who knows their parents will always hug them when they are scared. This makes you feel more safe and fulfilled in your relationship with your parents.
Cognitive Schema:
People with secure attachment have positive beliefs about themselves and others. They See relationships as safe and reliable, which leads to an expectation of reciprocity
and support. This attachment style is typically the result of consistent caregiving in childhood, in which caregivers pay close attention to the child's needs, creating a sense of safety and emotional security.
Example in a Relationship:
As a child playing in the park, I frequently wandered away from my mother. When I looked back at her, she met my gaze with a smile and a nod, reassuring me of her presence. This simple gesture always made me feel safe and secure, knowing that she could be reached whenever I needed her.
Anxious Attachment
Mental Process:
People with anxious attachment are more sensitive to potential signs of
rejection or abandonment, causing them to be more needy. As the labels suggest, people with this attachment style are frequently anxious and uncertain, with low self-esteem. They want emotional intimacy but are concerned that others will not want to be with them.
Cognitive Schema:
People with anxious attachment may hold negative beliefs about themselves (example; I'm not worthy of love"). Anxious attachment styles are often the result of inconsistent caregiving or traumatic childhood experiences. Their caregivers may have been inconsistently available or unresponsive to the child's needs, resulting in early feelings of unpredictability and insecurity. This results in people with anxious attachment developing increased fears of abandonment and a constant need for reassurance in adulthood.
Example in a Relationship:
For example, imagine you have a friend with an anxious attachment style who constantly seeks reassurance and validation in your friendship. They might perceive small actions, such as not responding to a text right away or making plans with someone else, as rejection or abandonment. This may cause them to become anxious, and constantly seek confirmation of your friendship in order to alleviate their fears of being left behind or rejected.
Healing Methods:
If you’re suffering from anxious attachment, you can benefit from practicing self-soothing techniques like deep breathing exercises or mindfulness meditation to manage anxiety and regulate emotions. You should seek supportive relationships and communicate openly with someone you trust, so they can help you with anxiety, gaining self-awareness and form secure attachment bonds based on trust and mutual understanding.
Dismissive-Avoidant
Mental Process:
People with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style are the opposite of those
who have an anxious attachment. Instead of seeking intimacy, they are afraid of closeness and try
to avoid emotional connection with others. They prefer not to rely on others or have others rely on them.
Cognitive Schema:
People with this attachment style may believe that emotions are a sign of weakness or that relying on others is ineffective. They may prioritize self-reliance and independence, and consider emotional expression unnecessary. Dismissive-avoidant attachment styles are frequently caused by early experiences with emotional unavailability or neglect from caregivers.
People with this attachment style may have learned in childhood to suppress their emotional needs and rely solely on themselves for support, resulting in an internalized belief that seeking intimacy is pointless or even dangerous.
Example in a Relationship:
For example, If your partner has a dimissant-avoidant style; when they face difficulties at work, they may choose not to express their concerns or seek help from you. Instead, they might spend long hours at the office attempting to solve the problem on their own. Even if you try to offer help or comfort, they may downplay the situation or dismiss your efforts, insisting that they can handle it on their own.
Healing Methods:
If you think you’re suffering from dismissive-avoidant attachment style, you can heal by engaging in creative expression such as art or writing. This allows you to tap into repressed emotions and foster self-awareness. Also, engaging in attachment-focused resources and seeking supportive relationships with compassionate people can allow you to challenge maladaptive coping strategies and gradually develop more secure attachment bonds.
Fearful-Avoidant
Mental process:
People with fearful-avoidant attachment struggle to balance their desire for
intimacy with their fear of rejection or abandonment. They usually want a safe, meaningful relationship, but also may feel unworthy of love, or scared they will be hurt again.
Cognitive Schema:
People with this attachment style may have conflicting beliefs about relationships, alternating between a desire for connection and a fear of betrayal or rejection. They may struggle to trust others and view relationships as risky. Fearful-avoidant attachment styles are often the result of childhood experiences involving abuse, neglect, or inconsistent caregiving.
Children with this attachment style may have experienced both closeness and rejection from caregivers, resulting in deep trust issues and a fear of vulnerability. This explains why people with fearful-avoidant attachment styles are often reluctant to fully engage in close relationships because they are afraid of being hurt or rejected.
Example in a Relationship:
For example, imagine you have a friend with fearful-avoidant attachment style. When you try to deepen your friendship or offer assistance during a hard time, they may initially react positively. However, as the relationship progresses, their anxiety grows, prompting them to distance themselves or even end the friendship in order to protect themselves from potential hurt.
Healing Methods:
If you think you may be suffering from fearful-avoidant attachment, you can heal by identifying triggers and patterns in relationships through self-reflection and journaling. Seeking therapy and support from therapists can allow for limited reparenting, in which unmet emotional needs from childhood can be addressed and fulfilled resulting in increased emotional resilience and relational security.
Recognizing your attachment style allows you to identify defense mechanisms that prevent emotional closeness and work toward developing a secure attachment. This means challenging yourself and selecting partners with secure attachment styles, thereby fostering growth and connection in the relationship. Therapy can also help reshape maladaptive attachment patterns. Through awareness and intentional effort, you and your partner can confront insecurities and fears rooted in outdated working models, paving the way for healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Sources Used
Andriopoulou, P. (2021). Healing attachment trauma in adult psychotherapy: The role of limited
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Firestone, L., & Shaver, P. (2013). How your attachment style impacts your relationship. Psychology Today.
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Wilson-Ali, N., Barratt-Pugh, C., & Knaus, M. (2019). Multiple perspectives on attachment theory: Investigating educators’ knowledge and understanding. Australasian Journal of Early Childhood, 44(3), 215-229. https://doi.org/10.1177/1836939119855214
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