Growing up, I had this idea of love as a crazy magical thing, and who can blame me? With all the hyper romanticization of love in the media, with concepts like “soulmates” “twin flames” “right person wrong time” existing, with the amount of books, movies, poetry, about “finding your person”.
It took me years to realize that love in fact is a magical feeling, but the real magic is in the experience of it ; the experience that includes commitment. Two people committing to each other, committing to making it work together. The truth is that, the minute you start reducing love to a feeling, you lose sight of what it requires, which is maintenence. It fades if not maintained. It is fragile, it is weak. The feeling of love can last for as long as you want, but the experience of it that includes two people, will deteriorate if not taken seriously. For that reason, relationships can be difficult to navigate. Our over romanticized ideas of love lead us to falsely believe that our relationships can overcome anything, and love will conquer all.
This false belief can create a lack of seriousness in relationships, and cause us to put in less effort in them than required.
Here's how to know if your relationship could be headed for failure -
You antagonize your partner -
It’s incredibly easy to lose sight of a simple fact when you’re in a relationship ; that you love each other. A relationship is two people with different views of the world, different perceptions of love, different ideas of how love should be experienced and expressed, different upbringings, coming together in commitment and trying to make it work. It is inevitable that there will be differences, and serious issues that occur. When they do occur, it’s important to remember that it’s not you against them, it’s you both against the problem. If you have a habit of antagonizing your partner every time you have a fight, you might want to change it.
You invite too many people into the relationship at times of conflict -
Everyone has a different idea of what love should look like. If you run to other people for advice every time you have a small problem in your relationship, they will likely see your relationship through their existing worldview, and judge it based on their own boundaries. When you ask other people for opinions on a problem in your relationship, you’re telling them about a small fragment of your relationship and asking them to judge without knowing the vast history of it. Consequently, they’ll advise you accordingly. Allowing other people to have too many opinions on your relationship, or your partner, could be incredibly destructive. Too many cooks spoil the broth.
You let resentment build from unspoken words -
Communication is undeniably the biggest aspect of a healthy relationship. Often times, when we feel like we’re not being heard, we stop doing our part and saying the things we need to say. This build up of things left unsaid can lead to resentment towards the other person. The lack of proper communication, and self expression can change the nature of a relationship drastically (in a negative way). If your partner does something that invokes emotion in you, communicate that to them. Please do not wait for them to figure it out or be angry because they don’t realize what they have done. Do your part and tell them.
You punish your partner -
It’s quite common for people (especially with attachment issues) to feel the need to punish their partners when they feel hurt by them. It’s possible that when your partner does something to upset you, you start doubting their love for you, and your sense of security feels threatened. When this happens, you may want to regain control in the relationship by wanting to punish your partner by withdrawing love from them in some way. This could be done by giving them the silent treatment, lashing out, etc. If you feel this way, take some space to self regulate and communicate how you feel with them.
You do either of these four things -
Dr. John Gottman, a prominent psychologist, recognized four things to be the most destructive for the health of a romantic relationship, calling them “the four horsemen of the apocalypse” (a metaphor depicting the end of times in the new testament)
Criticism :
Criticizing your partner is an attack on the foundation of their character. Example ; “you’re so selfish you never consider my feelings”.
Defensiveness :
Being defensive when a problem is brought up, trying to return blame to the other person, or playing the victim, will usually escalate conflict. People often get defensive when they feel like they’re being accused or blamed unnecessarily, usually as a response to criticism. However, being open minded and accepting responsibility when that happens is the healthy option. Example : “I couldn’t call them because I was so busy, why didn’t you just do it? You never care how hard I work or how tired I get”
Contempt :
Contempt is by far the most destructive one of the four. This is slightly different from criticism. It is being genuinely mean and vindictive towards your partner, while assuming some kind of superiority over them. Treating them with disrespect, using sarcasm, calling them names, using negative body language like rolling your eyes, etc. Contempt can usually be a result of built up resentment towards them, or unaddressed issues in the relationship. Example ; “You think your life is hard? I take care of the whole house. You’re so pathetic, you don’t do any work, you’re a useless loser.”
Stonewalling :
This is when the listener completely withdraws from conversation, either emotionally or physically, and basically shuts down. This is usually in response to contempt.
You don’t show interest in their lives -
An important part of a relationship is genuinely liking and appreciating every aspect of your partner. It’s extremely important to show interest in the things your partner does, likes, and talks about. Emotional bonding is stimulated by talking about your lives with each other. If you shut your partner down when they talk about their life, or don’t ask them about their day, it will increase emotional distance between you both.
You enjoy conflict -
It is not uncommon for people to enjoy conflict in relationships. People with attachment issues, people that grew up in unstable family settings, people with low self esteem etc., may find comfort in conflict with their partner. These people may perpetually lack emotional security in their relationships, and would find the passion that comes from conflict comfort. They would find reassurance in the fact that their partner is willing to fight for them despite the unfavorable circumstances of the relationships, which would confirm that their partner does indeed love them. If you find yourself enjoying conflict, or starting fights with your partner, take time to reflect on what it is you’re seeking from your partner when you start a fight, and speak to them about it.
If you find yourself doing any of these things in your relationship, it’s time to self reflect and reconsider what love means to you.
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