Have you ever been in a relationship where your trust was broken by infidelity? Infidelity is the act of being unfaithful or disloyal in a romantic or married relationship. It involves participating in intimate or sexual activities with someone other than one's partner, which violates the commitment and trust expected from them.
The pain and betrayal caused by infidelity can be overwhelming, leaving you having trouble with a variety of emotions and decisions. In this article, we'll look at the complexities of infidelity and why returning to a relationship following such betrayal may not always be the best option.
Infidelity can mean different things to different people, depending on the boundaries set within the relationship. However, it is often classified into three types: physical, emotional, and cyber infidelity.
These include engaging in sexual acts outside of the relationship, developing intimate connections with others, and betraying trust through online interactions.
Physical infidelity happens when a person has sexual relations or show physical affection to someone other than their partner. This involves crossing the boundaries of commitment, and going after physical satisfaction without emotional connection.
Emotional infidelity occurs when one partner becomes emotionally intimate with someone else, sharing personal thoughts, feelings, and a deep connection that is usually reserved for a primary relationship.
Cyber infidelity occurs entirely online, through activities such as sexting, chatting, or video calls containing sexual or romantic content, without the primary partner's knowledge or involvement.
Psychological Effects of Infidelity
Understanding the psychological effects of infidelity involves looking into the different ways betrayal can leave an impact on our mental health. As humans, we're wired to react strongly to significant events in our lives, especially when trust is broken in such profound ways.
According to research, infidelity can have serious psychological consequences for the betrayed partner. Betrayal frequently triggers strong emotional responses, such as anger, hurt, shame, and a sense of loss of trust. The betrayed partner may experience PTSD symptoms such as intrusive thoughts, hypervigilance, and difficulty sleeping. These emotions can last long after the betrayal has occurred, affecting our self-esteem, trust in others, and overall mental health.
Trauma and stress:
Infidelity can cause emotional wounds that resemble the trauma of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Surprisingly, these effects can last for years, regardless of when the betrayal occurred. According to studies, even learning about infidelity years later can cause intrusive thoughts, distressing flashbacks, and increased arousal, similar to symptoms seen in PTSD cases (Rachman, 2010). This breach of trust may feel like an emotional assault, triggering a trauma response in the betrayed partner.
Depression and anxiety:
Discovering a partner’s infidelity can cause or worsen depression and anxiety disorders. Depression after infidelity can manifest as changes in mood, sleep, appetite, behavior, and ability to concentrate. They may also develop relationship anxiety, which includes feelings of insecurity, doubt about their partner's loyalty, and increased fear of being cheated on again. This cycle of mistrust and emotional distance can complicate the couple's recovery.
Loss of self worth:
The discovery of a partner's infidelity can affect self-esteem and self-worth, increasing already stressful feelings. Betrayed individuals frequently question their worth and contribution to the relationship, which fosters feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt.
They may struggle with the question of why they were unable to prevent the infidelity. This insecurity can lead to a vicious cycle, damaging their confidence, and can cause long-term damage to one's self-esteem and self-worth, even if the relationship eventually recovers. The betrayed partner may struggle to regain their self-esteem and may carry feelings of inadequacy into future relationships.
Now, let's examine how infidelity affects our psychological well-being through the lens of attachment theory. This theory, developed by psychologist John Bowlby, explains how children's emotional bonds with their primary caregivers shape their social and emotional development throughout their lives. It also explains the significance of connections we form with others and how these connections shape our reactions to betrayal, especially in the context of romantic relationships.
According to Johnson (2001), the severe emotional suffering that occurs to individuals who have experienced infidelity is comparable to the attachment injuries that infants may suffer from when separated from their mothers. Just as infants develop attachment styles based on early interactions with caregivers, adults develop attachment patterns that shape their reactions to betrayal. Every individuals' interpretation and response to their partner's infidelity is influenced by their attachment style; secure, anxious-avoidant, dismissive, or fearful-avoidant.
Anxious Avoidant: Individuals with an anxious-avoidant attachment style are more likely to feel intense jealousy and fear of abandonment when confronted with a partner's infidelity.
For example, imagine you are in a relationship where your partner confesses to infidelity. If you have an anxious-preoccupied attachment style, you may respond by constantly seeking reassurance from your partner and becoming overly attached. You may repeatedly question your partner about every detail of the affair, looking to understand why it occurred and how to prevent it from happening again.
Your intense fear of abandonment may cause you to become overly controlling, constantly monitoring your partner's movements and seeking validation of their love and commitment.
This reaction stems from the deep insecurity and fear of losing your partner, which drives you to extremes in an attempt to save the relationship.
Dismissive Attachment: Those with a dismissive attachment style might not believe that infidelity is a significant issue. They value independence and emotional distance in relationships, so a partner's infidelity may not be viewed as a significant transgression. Imagine your friend has come to you about their partner cheating. If they have an avoidant or dismissive attachment style, they may respond by disregarding the significance of the infidelity.
They may rationalize the situation by emphasizing the value of personal freedom and independence in relationships, rather than focusing on the emotional betrayal. This response comes from their belief that independence is essential in relationships, which was most likely shaped by their childhood.
Dismissive attachment styles develop when caregivers consistently prioritize autonomy over emotional connection. Individuals with this attachment style may avoid confronting their partner or admitting the impact of infidelity on the relationship, reflecting the emotional distance modeled in their early relationships.
Fearful Avoidant: This attachment style's reaction to infidelity is deeply rooted in early caregiving experiences. Children with this attachment style frequently experience inconsistent or unpredictable patterns of care, switching between moments of affection and periods of neglect by their caregivers.
This creates a conflicting environment in which they crave closeness while fearing rejection, influencing their adult relationships. When confronted with infidelity, people with a fearful-avoidant attachment style may initially experience intense distress and fear of abandonment, similar to childhood feelings.
However, their learned tendency to avoid vulnerability causes them to emotionally detach from the situation as a defense mechanism. In some cases, they may even resort to retaliatory infidelity in order to assert control over their emotions and the dynamics of the relationship.
For example, imagine a friend confides in you about their partner's infidelity. Initially, they appear devastated, showing signs of fear and abandonment. They become extremely emotional, unable to cope with the betrayal. However, as time passes, their avoidant tendencies emerge, causing them to emotionally distance themselves from the situation and, eventually, feeling overwhelmed by a loss of control, they retaliate by cheating on their partner in an attempt to regain their power and assert independence.
Secure Attachment: People with a secure attachment style are more likely to respond to a partner's infidelity in a positive way, emphasizing open communication, understanding the reasons for the infidelity, and working to rebuild trust and intimacy.
They may be hurt, but they are less likely to have an aggressive or destructive reaction. Imagine a scenario in which a securely attached individual has been cheated on. Initially, they may feel a variety of emotions, including anger, betrayal, and hurt. However, because of their secure attachment style, they can recognize and communicate these emotions in a healthy way, without becoming too emotional or stuck in negative cycles.
Now, you're probably wondering why securely attached individuals seem to handle relationship challenges better, and with more resilience. They have a strong internal sense of worth and self-esteem that comes from their early experiences with consistent and nurturing caregiving. During their childhood, they received consistent support and validation from their caregivers, which helped them develop a positive self-image and belief in their own worth.
As a result, when confronted with a partner's infidelity, securely attached individuals do not immediately internalize the betrayal as a reflection of their own weaknesses or flaws. Instead, they approach the situation with emotional maturity, prioritizing open communication. Rather than reacting impulsively or defensively, they can effectively manage their emotions and engage in a constructive conversation with their partner.
Resentment after Infidelity
Did you know that resentment often creeps into relationships after infidelity? John Gottman, a relationship psychologist, has researched this topic, revealing why resentment can persist in the aftermath of cheating.
So, what exactly is resentment? Imagine a pot full of pain and disappointment simmering on your relationship stove. When infidelity occurs, it's as if you turned up the heat, causing those emotions to boil over.
The betrayed partner feels hurt and questions trust and intimacy, whereas the unfaithful partner may struggle with guilt or regret. Gottman's views on resentment after infidelity emphasize that it can build quickly, limit effective communication, and put up barriers to connection and intimacy in relationships.
CBT for Processing Infidelity
If you've experienced the pain of infidelity, you're not alone. In fact, according to research, around 44% of unmarried and 18% of married couples experience infidelity.
However, many people dealing with the effects of cheating have found comfort and guidance in cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT).
"Courtroom Brain" mentality, where partners put each other on trial, constantly accusing and
explains that resentment often leads to blaming one another.
This competitive mindset results from the betrayed partner's feelings of anger and hurt. When resentment sets in, the relationship becomes like a battlefield, with each partner focused on "winning" over the other rather than finding solutions, which restricts effective communication and prevents the harder conversations required to move on.
CBT can help the betrayed partner develop effective coping strategies to deal with their overwhelming feelings. By identifying and challenging distorted thought patterns, CBT allows the betrayed partner to regain control of their emotional responses and develop healthier ways of processing trauma. As for the unfaithful partner, CBT focuses on accepting full responsibility for their actions and developing genuine empathy for their partner's pain. This involves looking into the thought processes and behaviors that contributed to the infidelity and developing a strategy for regaining trust and commitment.
Dealing with infidelity is one of the most difficult experiences a person can face. The range of emotions that come with it - hurt, anger, betrayal - can be overwhelming and impossible to manage. But know that you are not alone, and that there is a way forward, even if it doesn't seem clear right now. Whether you choose to try to rebuild the relationship or move on separately, the most important thing is to prioritize your own mental health and healing.
Sources Used
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